


The Lead Singer

by lcvelylupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Concerts, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-17 21:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14198259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcvelylupin/pseuds/lcvelylupin
Summary: Everyone always seems to have a crush on the frontman.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Pacifier by Catfish and the Bottlemen. 
> 
> I wrote this in 2015 but I've always had a second part in the back of my mind - tell me if you'd like one or if this is good as a standalone.

It was a Friday night. The city came alive with thousands of university students, longing for a drink after a rigorous week of classes and ridiculously arduous exams. Sirius was among them, dressed in black jeans, a faded t-shirt, and sporting messy-yet-styled tangles of black hair. He smiled, inhaling the mixed smells of perfume and cigarette smoke. God, how he loved the chaos of Fridays; the sound of cars honking, heels clacking, and drunken laughter felt like home. He probably would lose himself in it if he didn’t have somewhere to be.

Fridays were his show days. 

Due to the large amount of young adults living out their rock star fantasies, there were tons of bands to see locally. Sirius loved going to one venue specifically called The Leaky Cauldron. It was originally a church, until someone decided to open it up as a space for bands to get discovered. It was smaller than normal, which meant it was super easy to make it to the very front; it could get a little too crowded at times, but Sirius oddly loved that togetherness. That however, didn’t happen too often, as most of these bands weren’t known enough to draw a ton of people. 

The tickets were cheap too, even cheaper for those attending the university. It was absolutely perfect for Sirius and his best friend Lily. They both craved music like it was oxygen; whether the music was shitty or not didn’t matter. It was all music, and both of them could never get enough of it.

It was also a perfect excuse to get a drink and a shag, which they both couldn’t resist the appeal of either. (“We deserve it, after all the bloody work they’re having us do,” Lily huffs earlier that day.) 

Tonight, a band called The Marauders were playing. Sirius and Lily couldn’t contain their excitement, as they had never heard them before. The anticipation of what was to come hit them in waves as they entered the buzzing building. 

Sirius assumed they were rather popular, because the room was unusually full. Luckily, it was the healthy kind of full; not exactly spacious, but not entirely suffocating. Some indie song played in the background as people stood in clusters, talking to one another. 

“See if you can get a good spot, I’ll get us our drinks,” Lily spoke into Sirius’ ear, causing him to nod in response. 

Eventually he did find an amazing spot, almost in the center of the room. To pass the time, he people watched. Sirius proved to be quite observant. 

Girls sported their usual black outfits and plum lipsticks while others dressed casually, their dyed hair providing contrast to their simple getups. He noticed some of the band’s t-shirts moving in his periphery, which further fueled his interest. They must be good.  
Just then, Lily returned with their plastic cups, both of them tapping theirs together and taking a sip. Now they could scope out the area, hiding behind their cups, for possible hookups. Sirius was observant, alright, especially when it came to men. 

A lot were aesthetically pleasing, their faces pale and blemishless. They could be little pixie boys if they truly wanted to. A few were sporting scruff and dangerously sharp jawlines, giving off that bad boy heartbreaker vibe. Others were nerdy, with gelled hair and jumper clad bodies, their noses accompanied by thin or thick rim glasses. He had a few in mind already, but none of them truly sparked his attention. From the looks of Lily, she was fruitless in her search as well; but they weren’t really picky. This was the birthplace of one night stands and drunken pickups, and people here had an unspoken understanding that this was not the place for longtime commitments. No numbers were really exchanged, just lips and a good fuck. Blunt way to put it, but it’s the truth. 

The lights dimmed and the background music stopped. People turned their attention to the four silhouettes walking through the stage. Guitars were put on and tuned, the drums were tested quickly, all in one fluid movement. Lily squeezed Sirius’ hand excitedly. Sirius found himself holding his breath, his heart pounding. 

Eerie microphone feedback rang in the audience’s ears. The vocalist cleared their throat. The drummer hit his drumsticks together. one, two, three...

Music exploded from their instruments instantly. Lights flashed rapidly in pink, red, yellow, and orange hues. The tune was happy and upbeat, making the audience jump right away. The singer jumped around the stage along with them, his curly hair falling every which way on his face. He came back around to his mic stand gripping it tightly. 

“There's always something to hide, there's always someone to lead on with you.  
Obligatory wine, evidently proved that I didn't need you…” 

Sirius found himself infatuated with him. After his wild hair had settled, he could get a good look at his features. He was wearing a thin green sweater and brown skinny jeans with beat up converse. His hair was a messy and tangled brown, much like Sirius’ but shorter. He was the attractive kind of disaster; almost as if he had planned it like that. Sirius wanted to drink all of him in, every little pore, every little freckle. Usually after a while, he got tired of standing and staring at the person sing, but not with this man. His boyish look made Sirius weak. 

“Oh god, the bassist,” Lily hissed, and Sirius laughed as his eyes landed on the person in question. His hair was also a mess, but not exactly planned. Almost like he had just gotten out of bed right before performing. Untameable. He sported thin rim glasses. 

 

“She said, ‘Oh please, you're obsessed!’ I said she looked overdressed,” he continued. And suddenly, he met Sirius’ eyes with a smirk as he shook his head. Oh, how Sirius regretted yet loved finding room at the very center. 

“She deffo didn't like that, no.”

Sirius was suddenly very glad Lily was beside him. He almost passed out like a rabid fangirl. Lily whispered a childish “Ooh,” in his ear, and Sirius just blushed, blushed, blushed like a schoolboy. 

“You see, ‘I'm feeling like it's put on, when you say you don't need me, And you want nothing of me.’” His face contorted and his eyes closed as he leaned forward to sing with an audience member. 

“Oh but babe, you know I've tried and failed, but you, just don't know how it feels, to lose something you’ll never have and never will.” he smiled at them as if they were a really good friend. His eyes crinkled like autumn leaves. Sirius jumped along with everyone else, enjoying the rush and how his entire body pulsated like his heart. 

Sirius found himself relating to the lyric that just poured out of this angelic boy’s mouth. He would never have him. This stranger was leagues ahead of his own; a faraway star that he could see but will never reach. At least he could admire him from this distance. He was never really all about appearances, but this boy was too gorgeous to ignore, a statement that was repeated dreamily like a mantra all throughout his head. It fogged up his senses… gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, and talented...

Oh, how fucked Sirius found himself to be. 

The boy headbanged. “There's always some kid too snide, they took my mother at thirteen. And pacifically, I, evidently proved that I didn't need you,”

The crowd joined in “Or no one,” and the boy fucking laughed and smiled a smile almost too big for his face. He removed the mic from its stand as he moved to the opposite side of the stage. 

He crouched down in front of another person. “She said ‘It's you I detest!’ I said she looked under-slept,” He found Sirius’ eyes again and raised his eyebrows as he shook his head yet again.

Sirius smiled and mouthed along with him, “She deffo didn't like that, no…” and the boy stood, perhaps blushing. 

“She said, I'm feeling like it's put on when you say you don't need me. And you want nothing of me…”  


He repeats the chorus twice, contorting his face, concentrating on his words. He jumped in place, urging his audience to jump even more aggressively, and they all tried their hardest, despite being drenched with sweat and burning up. 

Then came a sort of interlude as the lights dimmed blue and purple shades. As he was previously jumping, he stopped and moved ghostlike back to the mic stand, on which he leaned tiredly on, swaying. His lips were slightly open, his hair was sticking onto his face with sweat, and his eyes were closed. The sweat was highlighted by the light concentrated on his face and as he slowly and agonizingly moved his head to and fro, Sirius got a good look at his slight jawline. On his neck, a cute little mole was just waiting to be adorned with a hickey. Sirius could only dream. The way the curly haired boy led his hand to said hair, getting it out of his eyes, was absolutely and positively illegal, nearly pornographic in Sirius’ eyes. He forgot how to breathe entirely. 

Almost as if it had never happened, the music returned to its happy and upbeat rhythm, and the man (Sirius wanted a name with that face, goddamn,) coming out of his sleepy state, jumped high and bobbed his head. He smiled at his bandmates, visiting each one. They were just good friends having an amazing time together. All of them were tired and sweaty, but unmistakably so in love with the energy and the music they created together. So proud of themselves and how far they’d come. 

He leaned up to Lily’s bassist, “I’m her pacifier,” and his bandmates sang “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh,” in the background. 

He moved onto his guitarist, and then to his drummer repeating “I’m her pacifier,”

He climbed onto the drum set, nearly giving Sirius a heart attack, “I’m her pacifier,” and as the final “oh,” was sung, he jumped off and the lights shut off. Everyone clapped and whistled, girls proclaiming their love for their favorite member. They were all enveloped in darkness, breathing heavily. Sirius could feel Lily’s smile beside his own. If he smiled any more, his mouth would split open and bleed all over the floor. They came to a wonderful realization; this was only the first song.

-

“That’s James Potter on bass,” the still unknown boy gestured, and everyone clapped. Lily swooned. 

“Peter Pettigrew on drums,” Boom boom crash. Cheering.

“Marlene McKinnon on guitar,” Earsplitting cheers and one modest bow. 

James rushed beside him a sweaty and breathless mess. “And this,” James wraps an arm around his friend’s shoulder, “is Remus Lupin on vocals.” Sirius’ hands hurt from all of the clapping. Remus looked down at his shoes for a moment. 

“We are the Marauders, thank you and goodnight!”

-

Finally, finally, Sirius got to the front of the line at the merch table. He didn’t know if he was too happy about that; usually, he was smooth, calm and collected when he flirted, but he wasn’t even able to think in coherent sentences, much less speak them. His brain was still dangerously fogged; he was worried he would make a fool of himself in front of Remus Lupin, but as he looked into the singer’s eyes, he came to the conclusion that perhaps that was inevitable. 

“Hello,” Remus spoke first, hiding behind his hair. His eyes were crinkled and his cheeks were chubby and pink. His eyes were twinkling like that star Sirius would try so hard to reach. 

“He-hello,” Sirius stumbled, “Would you-um, would you sign this, please?” Sirius tucked a stray hair on his ear nervously. 

“Of course,” Remus smiled and leaned forward. “To whom am I making this out to?” he looked up at Sirius. 

And Sirius smiled foolishly in return, “Sirius.”

“Sirius, mm, like the star?” Sirius nodded, chuckling at how his own name referred to the star, but he had referred to Remus as that. He was one after all; the twinkle in Sirius’ eye. 

Remus bit his lip as he slid the sharpie across the album. “Okay, here you go. Thanks for coming out to the show.”

Again, Sirius was transfixed. “Yeah, no problem...thank you for a great performance…”

He moved away from the table, nearly collapsing on a petite girl. 

“Oh, fuck me,” Lily came to Sirius’ side moments later, “The bassist was actually fucking flirting with me, shamelessly in front of all these girls...shit….I even got his number, fuck.”

Sirius chuckled. “Wow, Evans. You know what they say about bassists…”

“And oh boy, how I would like to test that theory,” Lily replied. 

Sirius looked down at his album, smiling at the silver signature. He opened it up to look at the booklet, but on the front he was met by numbers.

Sirius - thanks for listening to me croon. Call me. I would love to see you again. Remus. 

“Oh man, Sirius,” Lily sang, “You know what they say about singers…”


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A part 2 written three years after the first. 
> 
> The song that plays on Sirius' stereo is Homesick by Catfish and The Bottlemen and the song that he mentions is Kathleen, by the same band, which is also my favorite by them.

Sirius stares at his reflection, placing a strand of hair carefully behind his ear. He tugs self consciously at the hem of his shirt; he’d already changed it at least a dozen times. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket; he jumps back to reality. 

I’m waiting. Ready when you are, 

He breathes out. He isn’t sure why he was so nervous. They had been flirting over text for weeks. Sirius wasn’t sure he was prepared to hear his voice again, not after last time: he had nearly crumpled like wet paper. 

It was embarrassing, really. 

But tonight was the night. They were going on a date.

A date! Sirius’ heart races at the thought. He plucks his car keys nonchalantly from the key post by the door. 

“I’m off, Lils!” 

Lily pokes her head out from her bedroom door, freshly showered. “Good luck!” she runs up to him and kisses his cheek. “Sweep him off his feet!”

“If he doesn’t sweep me off mine first!”

Once he situates in himself in his car, he flips down his drivers side mirror and laughs quietly at the pink lipstick stain on his cheek, wiping it off with a tissue. He always had a box for emergencies, when Lily was out late and needed to remove the previous night’s makeup to go to a morning lecture. In a way, it was like a good luck charm. 

Sirius starts the car and drives to the address Remus had provided. Once there, he exhales and knocks on the door. He’d been exhaling deeply a lot recently, as if he routinely forgets how to breathe. 

The blinds on the window quiver slightly. He can hear muffled voices shuffling around inside. 

“Oh my god! He’s here!”

“Should we wait up for yo-Ow! Prat!”

Smack. “Ouch, James, you absolute knob-”

The door opens abruptly and Remus steps out, smiling as if nothing had happened. “Hey.”

He was wearing a nice plaid button up and jeans. His hair was as messy as the last time Sirius saw him, but that’s not to say he hadn’t tried; he just gave in. He’s also a lot taller than Sirius remembered. 

Needless to say, he’s a little bit in love. 

“Hey,” Sirius replies affectionately, “Were you alright in there?”

Remus blushes slightly. “Yes. My roommates just never left primary school,”

Sirius opens up the passenger side door. Well, he tries to; his car’s a piece of shit, and the door almost always got stuck at the most inconvenient times. 

Embarrassed, Sirius says, “So much for chivalry,”

Amused, Remus replies, “Chivalry’s dead anyway,” 

Sirius slams his door shut. “How do you feel about diners?”

“I feel great about diners.”

“That’s a relief. No need for plan B.”

“Now I’m curious about plan B,”

“If you’re lucky, Remus Lupin...if you’re lucky, you might get to plan B.”

Sirius’ insides are pure sirens, dial tones, and ringing alarm clocks. He taps his fingers along to his internal time bomb, tick tick ticking. He didn’t know how to stop it; he didn’t know how to stop the nervousness wreaking havoc in his stomach. 

It was so odd, being out of control like this.

“Is it okay if I…?” Remus inquires, bringing his fingers to his stereo.

“Oh, sure, go ahead.”

“Sorry, it’s just I-”

“Remus. Don’t worry.” So he presses play. 

_“-I’m only looking out for you, she says ‘it’s obvious that’s a lie-”_

Shit. Sirius had forgotten to take The Marauder’s CD out the night before. He hadn’t stopped listening to it since the show two Fridays ago.

“Sorry, you’re probably sick of hearing-” He ejects it out frantically. Remus stops his hand.

“Sirius,” he smiles, the freckles along his eyes lifting. “Sirius, it’s okay. I’m glad you like my music.”

“I really do,” Sirius admits, relaxing a bit. “I’ve had this one on repeat, and Kathleen. Kathleen’s my favorite.”

Remus looks out at the passing streetlights, thoughtfully. “I enjoyed writing it. One of those times where the writing just, flowed.”

“That one part,” Sirius nodded and pulled into the parking spot. “‘You don’t own worries or a chest full of heartache’ that was...beautiful.” 

He gets out of the car and opens the door for Remus again; this time though, it manages to not get stuck. 

“Thanks...though you’re gonna have to thank James for that one. He’s a goofball, but he’s a poet when 2am rolls around,”

Remus opens the door for Sirius this time. Honeydukes Diner is pretty calm that evening; granted it was Thursday, a school night, so families stayed at home. It’s like stepping back in time; There’s still comfortable chatter, the familiar ping of the bell, 50s music playing from the jukebox, and the smell of freshly baked pie wafting through the air. 

They sit at a cozy, red leather booth by the window. Sirius smiled up at the waitress. “Dorcas, my dear, how are you this fine evening?”

Dorcas smile is sugary sweet. “Splendid. May I take you and your date’s order?” 

She saves the warm smile for Remus. She seems oddly familiar to him....maybe he’d seen her at a show?

They both order burgers while Sirius orders a soda and Remus a vanilla milkshake. When she leaves, Remus whispers, “I think I know her,”

Sirius grins and plays along. “Remus is there something you’d like to tell me? Is there a passionate love affair you forgot to mention?”

He laughs. “No need to get jealous. In fact, you have nothing to worry about. I think my bandmate Marlene is, like, head over heels for her.”

Sirius widens his eyes as if this is the juiciest piece of gossip he’d heard all year. 

“You know, now that you mention it, she has been pretty smiley lately,” he brings his hand to his chin. “And she usually tells me everything.”

Remus smiles crookedly. “Marlene, too.”

Dorcas sets their drinks down then, and both boys say their polite thank you’s, hoping they weren’t being too obvious about the fact that they were gossiping about her a minute ago. 

Remus sips his vanilla shake. “So, what is it you do? You’ve asked me about music, it’s your turn.”

“Well, I technically work at a repair shop, I fix motorcycles.” he explains. “But I’m studying social work at uni,”

Remus’ eyes brighten, showing genuine interest. “Oh, that’s great,” he tilts his head to the side, curiously. “What made you want to pursue social work?” 

“I didn’t have the best family growing up, and I just want kids to have a better chance in life,” He takes a sip of his soda. “What about you? Is the band a hobby, or are you hoping to make it big?”

“Oh no, the band’s not in the cards,” Remus shakes his head. “I want to teach year six. It kinda runs in my family. My dad’s a professor and my mum teaches primary.”

It was a sight for Sirius’ imagination, seeing Remus with kids. Their burgers came and went, they shared laughs and fries while Remus’ shared crazy band stories and van malfunctions.

 _Sirius wiped away a tear and let out one last laugh. “Sounds like Peter gets pretty wild,”_ Remus nods. “Yeah. He’s one of those people that looks innocent….that actually isn’t. We have to supervise him around alcohol now, otherwise he becomes a pyromaniac."

“Same with Lily. Fortunately not because of the pyromaniac thing. She seems like she’s sweet, but once she’s drunk she gets surprisingly emotional. About everything. At a party, she defended how you eat bananas after she saw a guy opening it from the bottom. Don’t ask me why he was eating a banana at a party. He might’ve been high, but she will throw hands at any given thing. And she kicks ass at drunk karaoke.”

Remus laughs. “She sounds perfect for James. Speaking of in love,”

He rolls his eyes. “He never shuts up about her. I think our next album will be about her, at this rate.”

He begins an impression of James, moving around and gesturing: “Have you seen her eyes? They’re crazy green. But not that, like, swamp green, you know? Like...emerald green. But that’s not to say that I only value her looks! She’s so witty, did I tell you guys about that joke-” 

He returns to his normal voice. “And then we repeat the joke word for word, because he tells us every time Lily breathes.”

Sirius eats the last fry. “Man, you’re lucky. Lily never really tells me about her relationships. She’ll tell me when she’s attracted to someone, after that, she plays it off. All she says is,”

So he starts his own impression: “A date? Oh! The one with James...that date? Yeah, it went alright, I guess, we had fun.”

Which, Sirius thinks, is actually a good sign. If she really likes someone, she keeps it to herself. It wasn’t often that she did this; not necessarily because she doesn’t like being vulnerable, she just felt that she wanted their moments to herself. Which meant they meant something to her. 

“I wish I was like that. I’m super obvious and sappy,” Remus admits. “I’m more like James in that way.” 

Sirius raises his eyebrows. “Are you, now?”

Remus nods and hides behind his hair. He proceeds to avoid elaborating, which is a shame.

“Woah. I didn’t expect the milkshakes to be this fucking huge,” Rookie mistake. Honeydukes goes all out. “D’you mind sharing it?”

“Sure,” Sirius nods. “Let me-” 

Except there was already a striped straw waiting at the edge of the table. Come to think of it, hadn’t Remus ordered a small?

She must’ve placed it there when they were still talking. Neither had noticed. 

Dorcas never misses a freaking thing. 

Once Sirius sticks the straw in the milkshake, he takes a sip. Sirius hasn’t been to heaven, but he knows this is the closest he’d ever get to tasting it. 

Fun fact, I wasn’t supposed to sing, originally,” Remus continues, and by this point he’s knackered. It’s adorable. “I have the worst stage fright. But our singer transferred universities and we had a show coming up.”

He sips, too. 

“Really? You have stage fright?”

“You don’t have to be so careful,” Suddenly, Remus reaches over and holds Sirius’ hand. “It’s the anxiety beforehand that gets me. I’ve practiced and sang these songs thousands of times-but what if I forget the lyrics? What if the audience throws tomatoes? Doesn’t respond at all? Stupid shit, really,”

Sirius squeezes his hand. “It’s perfectly valid. Honestly, I can’t remember anything. Lily has to write everything on post it notes for me. And I can make a fool of myself in a room full of strangers at parties, but: being in front of them, when they expect something from me? I couldn’t.”

The diner, at this point, is empty. As is the parking lot, except for Sirius’ car.

Sirius looks at his watch. “Shit! They closed a half hour ago,” he yells up at the counter, “Dorcas! Why do you never tell me to fuck off? You’re closed!”

A voice responds from the open double doors: “You’re trying to get laid, I’m just pulling out all the stops!” 

Sirius’s eyes widen. He looks at Remus, but he’s hiding a laugh behind his fist and blushing. 

Sirius pays after the small obligatory argument with Remus (who ends up handling the tip), and they both leave. 

The air is chilly outside, and now that the brilliant neon sign of the diner is off, it’s eerie and dark. As if they’re in limbo. 

Remus falls asleep on the way home. He looks so cute with his mouth open that Sirius is genuinely concerned for their safety. If he looks away from the road again, he might cause an accident. 

“Remus,” he whispers after they’re parked in front of his house. The porch light flickers slightly. 

But he’s still asleep. In fact, he’s snoring softly. He reminds Sirius of a kitten. 

So, he keeps repeating his name (because he likes the way it sounds) (Or maybe the person attached to it.) and eventually, Remus wakes. 

“Hm, what?” he sits up and rubs his eyes. “Oh, shit, sorry.”

Sirius smiles tenderly. “It’s okay.”

They both get out, and Sirius walks with him up the steps. 

“Tonight was lovely Sirius, thank you.” 

Sirius moves his hair behind his ear. “I had a really great time.”

Remus takes his hand and whispers, as gently as the sound of rain on the rooftop. 

Sirius steps closer. “Me too.”

And he wants to kiss him here, as the wind picks up, the air smells of earth and nature itself as the rain raises its voice. 

But he’s scared, more scared than he’s ever been. Because Remus sends Sirius’ whole orbit out of balance. Nothing in his universe made sense anymore. 

Before he can think anything else, there’s a kiss at the corner of his mouth, as small as a raindrop. A promise of something more. 

Sirius breathes, “Bye Remus,”

And at this point, the rain is so strong that he can barely hear Remus reply. So he watches his lips. 

Sirius shows up at the apartment, drenched. 

Lily laid on the couch, watching the Great British Bake Off on the TV. She turns it off when she sees Sirius come through the door.

“So....how was the date?”

Sirius shakes off his jacket and hangs it on the rack, shrugging his shoulders. “The date? It was okay, I suppose," 

He’s fighting off a smile, so she does it for him. 

___

“I have one last thing planned,” Sirius says. “But I know it’s late, and I don’t know if you have any exams to revise-”

“I’ll risk it,” Remus replies as they drive away. “Just this once.” 

There were more great times. Four of them, in fact. And now there was a fifth.

They hold hands at all the stoplights. It’s kind of glorious. At that moment, neither of them feels like talking, and neither of them feels the need to fill the silence. It’s a first for both of them.

Sirius parks at the overlook. The glittering skyline blinks back at them. An airplane passes by silently above it. They don’t let go of their hands.

“It’s cloudy, so no stars,” Sirius says. “This is the next best thing,” 

“It’s beautiful,”

The light coming from the skyscrapers is the only source of light. All Sirius can see is Remus’ face, the lights reflecting back, and the shadows of his curls. The shadows of his eyelashes on his skin. 

Sirius can’t help but agree. 

They don’t say anything else for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Both of them stare at one another when they think they aren’t looking. Both of them hope the other can’t hear their hearts pounding in their chests. Tick, tick, tick. 

“You’re the first boy that I’ve ever been with,” Remus says suddenly, startling them both. “I’ve been asked out by boys before, but I never had the guts to call them back.” 

“I’m honored, Remus.” he makes sure to keep his eyes away from his face. He can feel that he can’t look him in the eye. 

Remus smiles subtly. “I don’t know when it's the best time to say these things,” he exhales. “But I just felt like you should know.”

Sirius nods. He listens, he starts the car so that he can turn on the heater. The car rumbles calmly.

“It’s fucking bullshit, y’know? Because I’ve been bisexual since I was fourteen. But then, I actually started dating, and girls would get upset about that. They thought I was gonna up and leave them for a boy,”

Remus starts picking at the string of yarn on his sweater sleeve. “I’ve always had problems with girls. I think I’m just too sensitive. Some girls say that that’s what they want in a guy, but then they turn around and tell you they want ‘someone that can protect them,’ I have a solid right hook. I would just rather not use it.”

He sniffs. “And even before all that drama, had internalized a bunch of shit. I thought, I wasn’t bisexual because I hadn’t had proper feelings for a boy before. At school, I talked to kids who I knew were out and some would tell me I was only trying to make up my mind.” 

He wipes at his eyes, even though there are no tears. 

“And now, well. I get hit on, but I think people are only with me because of the band. They get this idea about me, this fantasy, and when I don’t meet those expectations, I feel like I’ve disappointed them.” 

“Remus, look at me.”

So he does. And it’s almost tragic, seeing him this distraught. 

“You’re not disappointing me, okay? And I don’t care about who you’re attracted to, at all. I mean that. I went through enough coming out as it is, I would never make anyone go through it.”

Remus just blinks back, but something in his eyes changes, and that’s how Sirius knows he heard him, through the buzzing of his thoughts. 

He wants to kiss him. Right there, where that silent tear left a trail. But he wipes it self consciously. 

“What was it like for you?” he whispers, as if someone might hear them. Like it’s a secret that only both of them share. 

“It was...bad. So bad that I wouldn’t talk about it for years.” He makes a point to look at Remus. Remus never once looks away.

“Remember when I said I came from a bad family? Not only that, but they’re rich, and even though I grew up in that lavish estate, I never once thought they deserved it.”

Sirius thinks that perhaps money isn’t really about deserving it. 

“They’re really traditional. They want to keep the bloodline going, like we’re in feudal England or something. Anyway, I went to an all boys private school." 

Sirius looks at Remus suggestively. 

Remus smiles back, knowingly. “Of course."

“As you know, I wreaked havoc over there, I was almost expelled. But my parents always threw their money at the problem. Half the buildings there are named after my ancestors. 

“I snuck out a lot after lights out with my friends. I would go out clubbing with them with shitty ID’s. That’s where I met Lily, that alien, plebeian public school girl. I got drunk, danced and kissed boys; if I got drunk enough, I just didn’t care. I didn’t think about my parents.” 

At that time, Sirius only kissed boys in the dark: in broom closets, in his dorm, in the woods. Dorcas always joked that he had been a nocturnal gay. A gay vampire, of sorts, out to give hickeys; and he was, truly, a hickey connoisseur. Sirius was the master of forbidden things. 

“We were all closeted, quite literally at times - we were all rich boys with reputations. But sometimes, when you’re in the moment, you get carried away, and all you want to do is just...feel good. For once. In that moment, we weren’t scared, and we had someone that cared about us. At least within the confines of a dusty broom closet. 

“Well, I was in said closet when this boy and I got found out by a janitor. We thought they had already all packed up and gone home, but we were very, very wrong. My parents found out.” 

“Fuck, Sirius, what’d they do?” There was genuine fear in Remus’ eyes. Sirius had worked on it so much that he wasn’t as affected by it anymore. Almost as if he hadn’t gone through it, and all of this was a story he’d made up. 

“They pulled me out and hired a governess. At the time they thought they could somehow fix me. They hired a fucking conversion therapist, can you believe that shit?” he laughs just thinking about it. Sirius had suspected the therapist was a closet case, too. 

“Throwing their money at the problem,” Remus replies, more pissed now than concerned. 

“Precisely. I was monitored constantly so that I couldn’t leave the house at night. As you can probably infer, the years of therapy didn’t do a damn thing. That’s when they disowned me.”

“Oh, Sirius, that’s...”

“So I was homeless for a while. For the sake of time I won’t tell you all the gory details. But eventually I found a job through a place for homeless youth.”

It was a time he’d learned to live with instead of regret. He had to dumpster dive for most of his belongings, and he had to sit through endless amounts of cloudy, rainy days. He had gotten sick multiple times through that year, but he refused to get care. He always undermined his own illness and convinced himself he didn’t deserve it. Other people were suffering way more, he told himself. He could deal with this. 

He had been staying at a shelter for two nights when the leaders of the youth home came to visit. They offered him education and a home. He wrote letters to his brother, but he never replied. He never knew for sure, but he couldn’t shake the notion that he still got them. He envisioned him sneaking into their father’s desk, picking the lock (because Reg wasn’t innocent, either) and reading the letters. 

Unfortunately, Sirius reached adulthood before he got adopted, but he decided to keep working with them through volunteering. And he still did. 

“So that’s why I want to do social work,” Sirius explains. “I had seen so many young kids at that home got fucked over by the system. It’s improved a bit now, but. It could always improve more, and I don’t want to live my life regretting that part of my past when I could be doing something to help."

Remus was giving him a look that completely threw his world off balance. He looked to the horizon line. 

“You’re going to be a brilliant social worker,” his dimples were showing, and it was honestly the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever witnessed. “It’s one of those feelings that I don’t question,”

Like the fact that since the first date, I’ve thought about sharing a million nights like this with you, thought Sirius. Like the fact that you’re the person everyone goes on about, that makes me believe in soulmates and forever. 

God, he’s terrified.

All Sirius could do was smile and divert his eyes. He looks at the clock on the dashboard but doesn’t register its numbers.

Because he couldn’t stand the weight of this blind, wholehearted faith. For the first time, his cynical replies take a backseat. He keeps them tucked in his shirt pocket, where his heart pounds. 

Instead, he says, “I’m not trying to get laid, you know. 

“What?” 

Remus’ voice is like those moments before a storm, where the air is warm and thick and the wind feels electric even though there’s yet to be lightning. It’s like those stray leaves that dance across the pavement. Gentle and sweet, taking its time. 

“What Dorcas said. I’m not trying to get laid,”

“You just felt that I should know,” he says. 

It’s funny how he just understands. It’s funny how easy it is to get in step.

“I sleep around, but,” Sirius admits to the buildings, and the sailboat moving absently along the water. “You’re not just another notch on my bedpost,”

It’s just one of those feelings he didn’t question.

“What am I, then?”

"You’re…"

He’s the feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff; that moment where knees wobble, but there’s that nagging curiosity that pokes the brain anyway. He’s the tune that flows from an open window in the summer. He’s the sunshine on a Sunday morning, the kind of sunshine that shows him there is peace if his heart slows enough to feel it, the kind that reminds him what silence truly means.

He laughs at how ridiculous he’s being. “You’re something else,”

And a million fractals of feelings he can’t describe.

Remus laughs like Sirius has said the funniest thing in the world, and kisses him. Except this time, he doesn’t stop. He holds Sirius’ face in his hands like he’s nearing a fire to keep warm. He does this even though it’s incredibly awkward and uncomfortable positioning. He must really like him.

Remus stares at him for a minute, and Sirius lets him. The world is just as big as this ratty old car. 

“You say you’re not trying to get laid...like you even have to try.”

“Well I do! Especially if they’re the lead singer in a band, I hear their standards are pretty high.”

“I’ll make an exception,” he trails kisses down his neck.

“Hey!” Sirius giggles. Actually fucking giggles. Lily would’ve never let him live that down. 

He stops smiling. “But seriously. We are not shagging for the first time in a car.” 

Remus giggles too. It's the cutest thing he's ever heard. "Okay." 


	3. now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s looking at him now, even though she knows all he sees is a lost, unstable girl. She wants to look away, pretend to remember she’d left the stove on or forgotten to lock the door of the flat. His eyes keep her grounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea i said it was the end after two parts, but. surprise! i was listening to catfish and the bottlemen and i got inspired. plus i just missed this au.

Lily sits at her desk, laptop open, trying to finish an essay. She’d been at it for hours; her eyes keep wandering to the guitar pick she has by her tin filled to the brim with pencils and inkless pens. She smiles at it and blushes. 

She’s glad Sirius is at work. The guy has no concept of knocking or privacy.

She feels so stupid and giddy, like she did in secondary school; her fingers keep threading themselves around her hair every five seconds. She blames this on the caffeine, of course. Sirius and Mary had pitched in for a coffee machine as a surprise for Christmas. 

No, it definitely wasn’t the bass player of a semi popular uni band.

“John, was it? Joe?” Sirius would tease with an infuriating smile. 

She won’t allow herself to even think his name. But it didn’t matter, did it? The feeling swallows her whole and encroaches around her like a cocoon. The phone rings, startling her out of her spaced out state. 

“James,” she answers, smile already on her face. 

“Evans,” he replies, and she can see his smile in her mind, too. “How’d you know it was me?”

Because I wanted it to be you, she thinks. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” she twirls a lock of hair around her finger, like she hadn’t given him the number. “Because you’re the only one who calls the landline, you hipster?”

“Damn.” He laughs. “She’s onto me, boys.”

She laughs, too. Pretends this feeling in her chest is anything but what it is. “Anyway...what is it you want?”

“Oh, nothing really,” he’s surprisingly good at being nonchalant. “Just to see you, I dunno,”

“I’ll have to think about it,” it’s so strange, how easy it was to answer. She never has to think or strategize with him. Whatever she thinks, she says without hesitation. 

“Well, I happen to have Saturday evening free. Seven o’clock. Do with that information what you will.”

“You know what? After consulting my calendar, I think I might have a window of time open then,”

“Would you look at that,” she bit her lip to keep from laughing. She is made of giggles. “I’ll pick you up?”

“Sounds great.”

“Okay, well. See you, I guess.”

“See you.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.” Silence. 

“Do you not want to hang up?” she said, after a minute. 

“Oh no, I definitely want to,” he said, snorting. “I love hanging up.”

So he does. And Lily stands there, back to the wall, phone clutched to her chest. The dial tone drones on. 

They go for a walk at the park all shy fingers and hands and blossoms at their feet. At last, she grasps his hand. It’s so warm, she almost feels bad. 

“I forgot my gloves,” she tells him. 

He smiles. “How horribly absentminded of you, Evans.” 

His glasses fog up when they enter the house. For some reason, she finds this extremely endearing. 

Yeah, for some reason, she hears Mary’s voice in her head and almost feels Mary’s eye roll. 

“Would you like something to drink before we head up?” His room is up in the attic.

She declines, and they make their way up the creaky, steep staircase. The narrow steps threaten to make her fall but James’ hand is a reassurance. 

Everything is a mess in there; the chair that’s essentially a hamper in the corner of the room, papers and textbooks on the desk, socks hidden under the bed. His guitar on its stand and the bed that stood made are the only sense of order in the room. 

“So this is it,” he says, extending his arms out to the room. “This is where the magic happens.”

She gives him a look that tells him that this room hasn’t seen much magic recently.

“The magic...of music!” he continues with flair. Sometimes she wonders why being around him doesn’t exhaust her. James, full of an energy always on the verge of spilling over everything. 

James teaches her a few chords on guitar, guides her clumsy fingers and laughs with her as she struggles. He turns on the stereo and they dance like two kids who’d only just discovered rock and roll. Half of her hair was in her mouth by the end of it, tired but exhilarated. 

Then they’re on the bed together, heaving until their hearts slow to a steady thump instead. No one is home. The stereo is now only an afterthought in the back of their minds. 

He kisses her as if she would break if he wasn’t careful, as if they have all the time in the world and she’s worth every second. 

She has never known a tenderness like this. Her hookups were all heat and desperation, cool like the bathroom walls she was so often pressed against. Quick and forgettable. She never allows herself to linger like this. 

Sensing her mind is somewhere else, he stops. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a few things on my mind, s’all.” her cheeks are tinged with embarrassment. 

“It’s okay, you can say it,” he’s giving her that goofy grin, paired now with lovesick eyes. “I’m a horrible kisser.”

“You’re a horrible kisser,” she deadpans, but a smile slips through. He laughs, eyebrows raised at her like he’s offended. 

“Okay, Evans. What are these things on your mind?”

“Well,” her heart was a balloon about to burst. 

She didn’t understand how Sirius could do this. Be so fucking head over heels, when they were basically on the same page. They had never so much as given a second thought to people before. Dating wasn’t a part of their vocabulary. What changed, she asks herself, as if she doesn’t know the answer. 

“Remember our first date?”

“You wanted to kiss my face off,”

“Oh, don’t sound so smug,”

“When a beautiful woman wants to kiss me, how can I not be?”

Her fingers are covering her face. She can’t, she physically can’t, look at him when he says shit like that. “See! That’s what I mean.”

He takes his glasses off. “No, I don’t see.”

He laughs but seeing the seriousness on her face makes him put his glasses back on. “What do you mean?”

“Saying...lovey dovey shit, I don’t know. Towards me.” she feels so vulnerable she wishes she could fall through the bed and into a black hole. 

“Why not?” his face is slightly wrinkled with concern. “You’re beautiful. How can I not say that?”

The word presses against her like a finger to a bruise. A finger against a trigger. “Do you think you don’t deserve it-?”

Her mind starts berating her so hard it becomes a weight on top of her and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. Her eyes are hot with the threat of tears. Words like that signify attachment, signify an already solidifying perception of her. Next, it would be a pet name, next it would be making promises that wouldn’t be kept. 

“You can’t say that,” she breathes deeply, pushes the sadness as far down as she can because she knows she’s not going to be able to put herself together fast enough. “You can’t say that because I don’t know if I can handle it.”

“Handle it?”

“When it’s over,” 

“When it’s over? Lily-” they sit up and James has her in his arms. Lily doesn’t trust herself to let go. “I don’t see this being over. Not unless you want it to be..?”

She didn’t see it being over either. She didn’t want it to be. 

The feeling of stupidity resurges and comes in waves, feels it build. She's a child preparing to throw a tantrum. Because she hates that she wants it to last. And she hates herself for hating that, because James doesn't deserve that. This is just too foreign to her, this wasn't her at all. She's the one that got up as soon as the sun rose the morning after. The one that never looks back. The one that isn't supposed to care. Yet here she is, on the verge of tears on James' bed.

“It’s going to be over eventually. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the lack. That’s why I was surprised when you didn’t want to have sex and go our separate ways.”

“You don't want to get hurt.” James answered from above her, softly. He kisses her head when she nods. 

God, thinking about it now made the embarrassment flare up again. She had been so quick to get her hands on his belt, she was nearly feral. until James slowed her down. She had been so confused; she had thought that he was just another douchey, pretentious bassist in a college band. Surely he fucked people and discarded them all the time.

Hearing the no from his lips was odd, yet comforting. 

She didn't want to look at him when he gently pushed her hand away. She had felt so much like the slut so many people thought of her as. She was so afraid she'd face those words head on from him, too. She had been convinced that whatever image he had of her was tainted somehow. He reassured her with a word. 

No, not yet, he'd said. 

Yet. When sex was so strongly bound with goodbyes, the word haunted her like the sound of a pendulum swinging. Now, in retrospect, she knew then that she didn't want it to end. 

“Well, sorry to tell you this, but.” he tells her, with all the wisdom of an aging professor. “Hurt and love are intertwined. We’re going to fight and kick and scream at each other, sure. And hey, maybe it will end.”

She’s looking at him now, even though she knows all he sees is a lost, unstable girl. She wants to look away, pretend to remember she’d left the stove on or forgotten to lock the door of the flat. His eyes keep her grounded. 

“Maybe it will end, but should knowing that stop you from taking the risk? No.” he rubs her side. “I might come out of this scraped up. But we get to have little moments like this one in little, metaphorical jars and carry them for the rest of our lives. Isn’t it worth it?”

Self conscious that she’d ruined the mood, Lily is quick to salvage the situation with a joke. “Okay, Mr. Songwriter. I get it.”

He smiles. “You know, when Remus starts to spin out of control,” he spins a finger in a slow circle, “I snap however many times it takes to get him back to the present.”

He moves away from the bed and Lily repositions herself. The heat of James’ skin against hers contrasts with his sudden absence. But he inches closer with a smile like a premonition of a quick death. "It's too soon to think about endings." 

He snaps his fingers. One time, two times, three. “It’s all about the now, Evans. This moment, right here.”

He has his hands around her cheeks. His voice is gentle, the sounds barely touching his lips. “What’s happening, right now?”

It was the strangest thing, how suddenly, she couldn’t see the moments before this one, or the next. “You’re about to kiss me,”

He smiles against her lips. She keeps going. “Right now, I hear your weird, obscure music. Right now, I feel your pulse going haywire. Right now, I feel your pillow behind me. Right now, my fingers are a little sore from your guitar,” 

He punctuates each of her sentences with kisses like little gold stars. Little rewards, until she doesn’t want to talk anymore.

Right now, she thinks, it feels like the end of the world. Right now, the world is pulling itself out from under me. Right now, I’m scared out of my fucking mind. Right now all she can think is: James. 

Right now, she thinks, before she can stop it from becoming real, right now, I’m in love.


End file.
